This past Saturday, I had my first midterm in Law School for Torts. It just happend to also coincide with being the first breakdown that I've had thus far while attending law school.
In the past year and a half, I worked on a regular basis with a neuropsychologist on my newly determined altered capabilities since my brain injury. I felt that I had really worked hard and conquered all but some and I would be able to attend law school without receiving any accommodations that the school had to offer. Boy, was I wrong.
It was an hour and a half timed essay exam for Torts which was limited to 7 intentional torts and 5 defenses which I would like to think I knew backwards and forwards. As I sat down and received my exam and waited patiently for the exam to start, much to my suprise, I wasn't anxious. I had prepared as much as I could, was very interested in the topic to begin with, and I was ready to conquer my first test head on.
As the test started, [which by the way- the hypothetical was based on a person receiving a head injury, being unable to play football anymore, and also a person who had been inflicted with emotional distress and was now depressed and very anxious and had to take medications for it- hello something I could relate to and write a lot about!] I started highlighting the relevant facts of the hypothetical, and before I was even half way done, other people began typing away!
To make what seemed like such a long 1 and a half hour story into a quick blog entry- I didn't finish. While I was anxiously stressing over not finishing the test, my peers were complaining about not being able to complete their spell check. SPELL CHECK? I would've just been happy to finish, let alone use spell check.
This inevittably led up to my first complete breakdown of my first semester in law school. I really thought that I could keep up. I really thought that since I knew everything backwards and forwards that I wouldn't have a problem. I thought I'd be just as able as everyone else was to complete the exam. I really thought that I no longer needed any type of accommodations. I really thought that I could do it.
Obviously, I was very wrong. After talking with the Dean, I felt somewhat better, but it still doesn't help heal the huge dissappointment I felt within myself, my recovery, my current abilities, and long term abilities to even make it through lawschool. It made me doubt every single ability that I had coming into law school. It really made me feel like I really can't do this, and I made a really irrational decision thats going to leave me with wasted effort in trying to pursue a career that every doctor I predicted that I wouldn't succeed in. It made me feel as if every thing I had conquered through thus far in what doctors determined I wouldn't be successful in was just a waste and I had reached a point in which they were actually going to be right.
It's been extremely hard since my breakdown to get back up to the point where I feel like I can. Where I'm back to wanting and trying to prove everyone wrong. Where I have enough strength and drive to pursue my dreams. This was a complete dream crusher and the only hope I have at this point is to get over this downfall, get back up and "just keep swimming" as Dori would say.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
One Month Update!
It's officially been a little over one month since law school has started. Of the many obstacles I encounter everyday, one main issue that seems to reoccur into my day to day thoughts is the idea of having law school online.
As ridiculous as this might seem, I'm a firm believer that it could all be done in the same ethical and honorable manner as attending law school in person.
The last two years of my undergraduate degree, I took majority of my classes, except for maybe 2- online. Some of them were designed so that you were in control of everything you did in that class and were given dates for quiz' and exams that you should have your reading done by in order to be prepared for the quiz or test which you took online. Others had a lecture you could watch at your own desirable time and the only real life participation you had to do was take a trip to campus everytime an exam arose, and you took it in the computer lab.
Now, as much as those type of classes were primarily designed for students who had full time jobs to accomodate their daily schedules; I strongly believe the same concept can be made to work for law school. I'm not even saying it has to revolve and cater to the students' needs. I just think with all the accommodations the school offers for students with disabilities, some things don't take into consideration is the entire emotional function of an individual.
I personally chose to take my classes online because my anxiety and instability of my emotions really didn't conform to interactions with people. My emotions were never strong or consistent enough to physically attend class on a regular basis nor interact with students or professors in that way either. Although a couple years later, my family and friends as well as myself all realize my strengths in dealing with those issues has enormously changed for the better, they sure havn't disappeared completely and I still battle those issues til this day.
I would love the idea of sitting in the comfort of my own home and watching lectures, even at the same time when everyone else is. I wouldn't be bothered by the inability to ask my own questions live as I would if I were attending class as other students would. I would love to only have to interact with people when needing to take midterms or exams. But, I understand the complication this would have in the way law school is taught by primarily the socratic method. I can see how not being able to question me live and give me 30 minutes of hypotheticals based on one case could potentially go against every law school's way of teaching students. This is just one law student's prospective on how I wish things could be done.
I wish I wasn't made to take medicine that slows the functioning of my thought process' just to be able to sit in a group of 75 plus students, to wait in a panic state for my name to be called on. To wonder impatientally what could potentially make me 'tick' and show the angry, anxious, and panicky result of a person having had a frontal lobe injury. To sit and be embarrassed of the thought of that side being shown to all students and the professor. To sit as my heart beats ridiculously hard to the point where at any minute I feel my heart could seriously just explode out of my chest. To go to school 5 days a week and feel this way from 8:30 a.m. to 2:15 p.m. isn't comfortable at all. I really don't see how it could be comfortable for anyone with the same emotional instability.
I would love the ability to sit in class and converse with students without feeling anxious about everything around me. I would love to sit back and relax in my chair and wait comfortably to be called on. After all, I'm as prepared as ever. I've read and briefed every case. I would love to be confident in myself of my ability to succeed in class and in the world one day. But at this point in my life, anxiety seems to control my every move.
Hopefully one day, I won't be under the control of my emotions and I'll be able to live my life according to me.
As ridiculous as this might seem, I'm a firm believer that it could all be done in the same ethical and honorable manner as attending law school in person.
The last two years of my undergraduate degree, I took majority of my classes, except for maybe 2- online. Some of them were designed so that you were in control of everything you did in that class and were given dates for quiz' and exams that you should have your reading done by in order to be prepared for the quiz or test which you took online. Others had a lecture you could watch at your own desirable time and the only real life participation you had to do was take a trip to campus everytime an exam arose, and you took it in the computer lab.
Now, as much as those type of classes were primarily designed for students who had full time jobs to accomodate their daily schedules; I strongly believe the same concept can be made to work for law school. I'm not even saying it has to revolve and cater to the students' needs. I just think with all the accommodations the school offers for students with disabilities, some things don't take into consideration is the entire emotional function of an individual.
I personally chose to take my classes online because my anxiety and instability of my emotions really didn't conform to interactions with people. My emotions were never strong or consistent enough to physically attend class on a regular basis nor interact with students or professors in that way either. Although a couple years later, my family and friends as well as myself all realize my strengths in dealing with those issues has enormously changed for the better, they sure havn't disappeared completely and I still battle those issues til this day.
I would love the idea of sitting in the comfort of my own home and watching lectures, even at the same time when everyone else is. I wouldn't be bothered by the inability to ask my own questions live as I would if I were attending class as other students would. I would love to only have to interact with people when needing to take midterms or exams. But, I understand the complication this would have in the way law school is taught by primarily the socratic method. I can see how not being able to question me live and give me 30 minutes of hypotheticals based on one case could potentially go against every law school's way of teaching students. This is just one law student's prospective on how I wish things could be done.
I wish I wasn't made to take medicine that slows the functioning of my thought process' just to be able to sit in a group of 75 plus students, to wait in a panic state for my name to be called on. To wonder impatientally what could potentially make me 'tick' and show the angry, anxious, and panicky result of a person having had a frontal lobe injury. To sit and be embarrassed of the thought of that side being shown to all students and the professor. To sit as my heart beats ridiculously hard to the point where at any minute I feel my heart could seriously just explode out of my chest. To go to school 5 days a week and feel this way from 8:30 a.m. to 2:15 p.m. isn't comfortable at all. I really don't see how it could be comfortable for anyone with the same emotional instability.
I would love the ability to sit in class and converse with students without feeling anxious about everything around me. I would love to sit back and relax in my chair and wait comfortably to be called on. After all, I'm as prepared as ever. I've read and briefed every case. I would love to be confident in myself of my ability to succeed in class and in the world one day. But at this point in my life, anxiety seems to control my every move.
Hopefully one day, I won't be under the control of my emotions and I'll be able to live my life according to me.
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