First Midterm = First Breakdown

This past Saturday, I had my first midterm in Law School for Torts. It just happend to also coincide with being the first breakdown that I've had thus far while attending law school.

In the past year and a half, I worked on a regular basis with a neuropsychologist on my newly determined altered capabilities since my brain injury. I felt that I had really worked hard and conquered all but some and I would be able to attend law school without receiving any accommodations that the school had to offer. Boy, was I wrong.

It was an hour and a half timed essay exam for Torts which was limited to 7 intentional torts and 5 defenses which I would like to think I knew backwards and forwards. As I sat down and received my exam and waited patiently for the exam to start, much to my suprise, I wasn't anxious. I had prepared as much as I could, was very interested in the topic to begin with, and I was ready to conquer my first test head on.

As the test started, [which by the way- the hypothetical was based on a person receiving a head injury, being unable to play football anymore, and also a person who had been inflicted with emotional distress and was now depressed and very anxious and had to take medications for it- hello something I could relate to and write a lot about!] I started highlighting the relevant facts of the hypothetical, and before I was even half way done, other people began typing away!

To make what seemed like such a long 1 and a half hour story into a quick blog entry- I didn't finish. While I was anxiously stressing over not finishing the test, my peers were complaining about not being able to complete their spell check. SPELL CHECK? I would've just been happy to finish, let alone use spell check.

This inevittably led up to my first complete breakdown of my first semester in law school. I really thought that I could keep up. I really thought that since I knew everything backwards and forwards that I wouldn't have a problem. I thought I'd be just as able as everyone else was to complete the exam. I really thought that I no longer needed any type of accommodations. I really thought that I could do it.

Obviously, I was very wrong. After talking with the Dean, I felt somewhat better, but it still doesn't help heal the huge dissappointment I felt within myself, my recovery, my current abilities, and long term abilities to even make it through lawschool. It made me doubt every single ability that I had coming into law school. It really made me feel like I really can't do this, and I made a really irrational decision thats going to leave me with wasted effort in trying to pursue a career that every doctor I predicted that I wouldn't succeed in. It made me feel as if every thing I had conquered through thus far in what doctors determined I wouldn't be successful in was just a waste and I had reached a point in which they were actually going to be right.

It's been extremely hard since my breakdown to get back up to the point where I feel like I can. Where I'm back to wanting and trying to prove everyone wrong. Where I have enough strength and drive to pursue my dreams. This was a complete dream crusher and the only hope I have at this point is to get over this downfall, get back up and "just keep swimming" as Dori would say.