National Trial Competition

I'm about a month into school and it's been extremely buisy! I really feel like they were really easy on us the first semester- compared to now.

This weekend alone we have a 10+ page memo due and must play the role of a witness in the Regional National Trial Competition. I always used to love to perform and act as I was in Forensics and Drama Competitions in High School and consistently placed well. But, preparing for this.. I'm more nervous and panicky than ever. It's not that much to prepare for as I just have to be familiar with a deposition or 2, but this preparation has caused me to feel just as anxious as if I was giving a deposition for my own legal case.

On that note: It's brought back a lot of memories, and maybe that's why I'm so nervous. In a meeting about the Competition, we were told that upon cross examination, some comptetitors might come across as 'attacking' and you might feel as if their personally attacking you- and told us not to take it that way. That's easier said than done for a person with a TBI who doesn't have the most stable mental state to begin with and always seems to take things as a personal attack. I think I'm more nervous than ever that I'm going to flip out and make a fool of myself in the court room as well as forget things as my memory isn't that good either.

I guess I should chill out for a bit, do some relaxation strategies- and then head on down to the courthouse and hope for the best! Let's hope I can keep my emotions under control!

I MADE IT!

Again, long time no update.

A little something since last time:
I did end up getting accommodations due to the cognitive problems I'm still having in processing things as fast as my peers do. At first I was really embarassed and ashamed, but realized that they're offered for a reason. With 1/3 extra time and a private room to take my exams, I was able to finish on time and write efficiently. I managed to even get 3 B's my first semester! Goes to say- I should've taken my lawyer's advice initially and gotten accommodations. It would've been a lot less stressful and I could've avoided some heart break.

Well, I MADE IT THROUGH FIRST SEMESTER!! As rough as it was towards the end and despite the feeling that it was never ever going to end- it did! I'm alive! And, get this: I DID IT!

AND... I DIDN'T GET A THANK YOU FOR VISITING LETTER! :)
[That's what they send if you didn't make the cut to continue into the second semester.]

As time passes, I'm becoming more confident in myself, my abilities, and my feelings about my future. At one point in the past few years, I would have never thought I would have made it this far- but looking forward, I don't see any road blocks ahead stopping me from getting my law degree in 2 and a half years. :)

Spring semester starts first thing in the morning and I'm really excited to see what this semester holds as I face it full on.

it's "1L of a Ride!"

Before we stared this semester, we had to read a book titled, "1L of a Ride."
It's been everything and more that the author warned about.

Since my last blog- [I apologize it's been really buisy here]..

*I took my 2nd midterm in Civil Procedure. Obviously I had a breakdown again- but for completely opposite reasons...
This time instead of arriving 1 hour early- I was 20 minutes late. The exam had started and no one was in sight. Luckily a security guard was there and led me to the floor where my professor was and even luckier than that- She let me take it minus the time I was late. And I FINISHED! (Which I don't quite understand because I had a shorter amount of time and was worked up before the test this time- where last time I arrived early with time to meditate, relax and 'get in the zone' if you will, but I finished! Despite the unfortunate way that it started out- I hadn't felt as confident as I did afterwards.

*Being that school is keeping me buisy- my emotions are up and down constantly. The minute feel that I am finished reading, I go to class and get another huge reading assignment. It never stops.

----Which is to also say it's impacting my emotional stability and sleep schedule- both of which are never really predictable these days. I'll sleep- wake up and still be drowsy the entire day at school. Come home nap- wake up- eat dinner and then go to bed for the night. Or it's the complete opposite- I don't sleep that night. Toss and turn and I'm go-go-going the next day. It eventually catches up to me and takes me about a day to get my energy and sleep back that I need to function during the day and keep up with school.

I finally got to go in for a sleep study 2 weeks ago. I don't have sleep apnea- which is a real good sign and go in for a more detailed discussion of my results on Nov. 18th. I'm hoping for an answer... Unconsious anxiety isn't a good enough answer for me. There's got to be more to it and hopefully my brain waves have told them something.

*I completed my first big Legal Writing Assignment- and..... GOOD NEWS!! I GOT A 97.8 = A!! And it just so also happend that I was 3rd in my little section. I've havn't felt so good about myself, my abilities nor my future in quite some time. It was exhilerating! I felt so amazing! One more paper this semester and I'm done with this class. Hopefully it'll be as great as the first one!

*I'm officially done with Legal Research this semester! Out of our research assignments I got a 100 on all except for one which I got a 97 on. :) Taking Legal Research for my undergraduate degree with one of the best professors that can prepare you for real research definately helped me in my assignments. Finished my paper- just waiting for my final grade now.

Overall things are improving as I'm getting used to the work load and schedule of law school. I will be updating more frequently as 2 classes are almost over to allow us to concentrate on our final four classes that we have final exams in: Torts, Criminal Law, Civil Procedure and Contracts. Lets keep our fingers crossed I make it through this semester!

First Midterm = First Breakdown

This past Saturday, I had my first midterm in Law School for Torts. It just happend to also coincide with being the first breakdown that I've had thus far while attending law school.

In the past year and a half, I worked on a regular basis with a neuropsychologist on my newly determined altered capabilities since my brain injury. I felt that I had really worked hard and conquered all but some and I would be able to attend law school without receiving any accommodations that the school had to offer. Boy, was I wrong.

It was an hour and a half timed essay exam for Torts which was limited to 7 intentional torts and 5 defenses which I would like to think I knew backwards and forwards. As I sat down and received my exam and waited patiently for the exam to start, much to my suprise, I wasn't anxious. I had prepared as much as I could, was very interested in the topic to begin with, and I was ready to conquer my first test head on.

As the test started, [which by the way- the hypothetical was based on a person receiving a head injury, being unable to play football anymore, and also a person who had been inflicted with emotional distress and was now depressed and very anxious and had to take medications for it- hello something I could relate to and write a lot about!] I started highlighting the relevant facts of the hypothetical, and before I was even half way done, other people began typing away!

To make what seemed like such a long 1 and a half hour story into a quick blog entry- I didn't finish. While I was anxiously stressing over not finishing the test, my peers were complaining about not being able to complete their spell check. SPELL CHECK? I would've just been happy to finish, let alone use spell check.

This inevittably led up to my first complete breakdown of my first semester in law school. I really thought that I could keep up. I really thought that since I knew everything backwards and forwards that I wouldn't have a problem. I thought I'd be just as able as everyone else was to complete the exam. I really thought that I no longer needed any type of accommodations. I really thought that I could do it.

Obviously, I was very wrong. After talking with the Dean, I felt somewhat better, but it still doesn't help heal the huge dissappointment I felt within myself, my recovery, my current abilities, and long term abilities to even make it through lawschool. It made me doubt every single ability that I had coming into law school. It really made me feel like I really can't do this, and I made a really irrational decision thats going to leave me with wasted effort in trying to pursue a career that every doctor I predicted that I wouldn't succeed in. It made me feel as if every thing I had conquered through thus far in what doctors determined I wouldn't be successful in was just a waste and I had reached a point in which they were actually going to be right.

It's been extremely hard since my breakdown to get back up to the point where I feel like I can. Where I'm back to wanting and trying to prove everyone wrong. Where I have enough strength and drive to pursue my dreams. This was a complete dream crusher and the only hope I have at this point is to get over this downfall, get back up and "just keep swimming" as Dori would say.

One Month Update!

It's officially been a little over one month since law school has started. Of the many obstacles I encounter everyday, one main issue that seems to reoccur into my day to day thoughts is the idea of having law school online.

As ridiculous as this might seem, I'm a firm believer that it could all be done in the same ethical and honorable manner as attending law school in person.

The last two years of my undergraduate degree, I took majority of my classes, except for maybe 2- online. Some of them were designed so that you were in control of everything you did in that class and were given dates for quiz' and exams that you should have your reading done by in order to be prepared for the quiz or test which you took online. Others had a lecture you could watch at your own desirable time and the only real life participation you had to do was take a trip to campus everytime an exam arose, and you took it in the computer lab.

Now, as much as those type of classes were primarily designed for students who had full time jobs to accomodate their daily schedules; I strongly believe the same concept can be made to work for law school. I'm not even saying it has to revolve and cater to the students' needs. I just think with all the accommodations the school offers for students with disabilities, some things don't take into consideration is the entire emotional function of an individual.

I personally chose to take my classes online because my anxiety and instability of my emotions really didn't conform to interactions with people. My emotions were never strong or consistent enough to physically attend class on a regular basis nor interact with students or professors in that way either. Although a couple years later, my family and friends as well as myself all realize my strengths in dealing with those issues has enormously changed for the better, they sure havn't disappeared completely and I still battle those issues til this day.

I would love the idea of sitting in the comfort of my own home and watching lectures, even at the same time when everyone else is. I wouldn't be bothered by the inability to ask my own questions live as I would if I were attending class as other students would. I would love to only have to interact with people when needing to take midterms or exams. But, I understand the complication this would have in the way law school is taught by primarily the socratic method. I can see how not being able to question me live and give me 30 minutes of hypotheticals based on one case could potentially go against every law school's way of teaching students. This is just one law student's prospective on how I wish things could be done.

I wish I wasn't made to take medicine that slows the functioning of my thought process' just to be able to sit in a group of 75 plus students, to wait in a panic state for my name to be called on. To wonder impatientally what could potentially make me 'tick' and show the angry, anxious, and panicky result of a person having had a frontal lobe injury. To sit and be embarrassed of the thought of that side being shown to all students and the professor. To sit as my heart beats ridiculously hard to the point where at any minute I feel my heart could seriously just explode out of my chest. To go to school 5 days a week and feel this way from 8:30 a.m. to 2:15 p.m. isn't comfortable at all. I really don't see how it could be comfortable for anyone with the same emotional instability.

I would love the ability to sit in class and converse with students without feeling anxious about everything around me. I would love to sit back and relax in my chair and wait comfortably to be called on. After all, I'm as prepared as ever. I've read and briefed every case. I would love to be confident in myself of my ability to succeed in class and in the world one day. But at this point in my life, anxiety seems to control my every move.

Hopefully one day, I won't be under the control of my emotions and I'll be able to live my life according to me.